A reader asks:

I have a question about anger. My first response when I feel I've been wronged or hurt is to become angry. It worries me that I am too much of an angry person. How can I accept that people make mistakes and that I will get hurt sometimes, without being angry and bitter all the time?

Quado, do you have an answer to this question?

Ah, yes, of course, of course.

The best remedy for your situation is to understand how deeply responsible you are for your life. You are responsible for every choice you make, for every response to situations, and for getting yourself into the situations which bring forth certain actions in others. And at a higher level, you are responsible for even drawing toward you certain events and attitudes, for setting up a field of energy which makes certain things happen or not happen.

Yes, there are forces outside your control. Certainly, this is true. But you would be surprised to the extent to which your attitude and approach toward life are mirrored in what comes your way, and how an open, loving and compassionate response towards life can begin to build up an energy field which invites the same to come toward you. And of course, the opposite is true. Angry, bitter and frustrated responses tend to pull toward you those very things which cause you to feel this way.

The anger comes from a deep blame of others for the circumstances of your life, a refusal to accept even your share of responsibility, much less total responsibility. It is a position of the victim. Life is unfair. You are treated poorly. You are powerless and beset upon by the failures and shortcomings of others. The answer is not merely in accepting that others are incompetent and flawed. The answer is in accepting total and absolute responsibility for your life, for every choice you make and every response you have.

And so, when something happens and that anger begins to build within you, instead of your usual outward-oriented approach, you must calm yourself and ask: What did I do to help cause this situation? What could I have done differently, perhaps even to prevent it? What is this situation teaching me? What can I learn from it which will make me a more compassionate, caring and respectful person? How is this helping me to grow as a member of the human family?

You cannot change anyone else, but you can change yourself. Look upon everything that happens to you as a lesson to teach you. Look upon every annoyance as something that is there to show you something, to teach you some characteristic you need. Perhaps that characteristic is patience. Perhaps it is forbearance. Perhaps it is compassion and understanding.

Assume that this is so. Assume that you need to learn these things, and until you do, you will be beset by teachers at every turn. But that when you do learn, when you take patience, compassion and forgiveness and let them replace criticism, judgment and haste, that then the teachers will cease to come.

Whether or not you truly believe this is not important. It is an attitude for you to take which will help. Assume that it is true. Now, assuming that this incompetent auto mechanic who just caused you enormous delay and expense is your teacher, then what is the attitude to take? First, accept responsibility for not having brought the car in when you first felt that something was wrong. Accept responsibility for your own procrastination and whatever other action or lack of action helped to cause the situation. That is an excellent lesson right there.

And then, accept that you are being presented with a teacher and that there is a lesson for you to learn. If this is true, that this person is going to teach you something of great value, then the proper response is gratitude. Ah, yes, once again you have been given an opportunity to see if you can learn to control your own demons, to see if you can get out of your stance of victim and into the stance of compassionate, understanding, fellow human being.

And then accept the lesson and act accordingly. Keep doing this at every turn, and watch how people begin to deal with you differently. See how different it is when you begin to prevent the situations in the first place by taking responsibility, and then respond with understanding when other people make mistakes. At the beginning you may be playing a game and forcing your response, but after a time you will begin to see that you have created a new world, a world of caring and sharing, a world which turns more smoothly and in which you are given more respect in return for the respect you extend.

Taking responsibility and ceasing to be the victim does require you to love yourself, however. If you have inside a deep self-loathing, a feeling that you are not enough, if your center is on a precarious footing with the world and yourself, then it will be difficult for you to take responsibility, for you will find it hard to accept that you did something wrong. People with a strong center and self-confidence, true self-confidence, are able to accept blame and responsibility because they know that deep inside, they are good, they are whole, they are what they need to be.

If you are angry and blaming others, deeply critical and judgmental, then in your core there is a very insecure person, a person who needs to show that she is better than others, because deep inside, she fears that she is not, she fears that she is insignificant and may blow away with the breeze of life.

And so, while you are altering your behavior by taking on the characteristics of responsibility and of a student in life, you must also begin to build up your core of youness, your center. And you must do this with meditation, with daily quiet time, with time and space in which you come down into the moment and reach yourself and make peace there. Time in which you sit quietly observing nature and then reach up onto your soul self and bring down the love and peace and joy which is there for you. Perhaps time in which you call to you the angels and guides, including me, who are there for you and ready to love you, support you and help you through this difficult journey. Even just a few minutes each morning will be a good start. A few minutes to be quiet with yourself and within yourself and to tell yourself that you are loved, that you are cared for, that you are good, just as you are. This is very important as well.

For you will find that when you love yourself deeply, then you are able to love others. When you tolerate your own mistakes and recognize that you are still a good person, that it is then easier to do this with others. Remember always that you must fill yourself with love, a deep love of self and of life itself and then let it flow out to others. Always, always, begin by filling yourself with love.

For if you do not love yourself, then you cannot truly love anyone else. For you are one with everyone. At the highest and deepest and widest, there is no difference between you and that grocery clerk who just dropped the eggs. We are all one. You and I and that clerk. We are all one. And so you must love yourself to love anyone else. And by truly and deeply appreciating yourself and your role in this life, then you automatically begin to love everyone, as your understanding of the great oneness becomes deeper.

Begin here, within. And over time, accepting responsibility and extending caring compassion will become completely natural. Over time you will come to peace with yourself and the rest of those who inhabit the world with you.

Be patient with yourself. Do all of this, but do not expect miracles overnight. The miracle will unfold, but gradually, in a hardly noticeable way. One day you will suddenly realize that you have changed, and that it happened through infinitesimal little steps, little tiny shifts, all stemming out of that quiet time you spend each morning.

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Quado is a spiritual entity channeled by Carrie Hart. Carrie is a singer, songwriter, poet, and healer. Quado first spoke to her on November 26, 1995. For more on Quado and on Carrie's work, please her web site at www.carriehart.com, where you can also find meditation CDs, healing services, music and more. To hear samples from the Quado Meditation on Self-Love, go directly to www.carriehart.com/meditations.html.